Updated on 25 September 2006

Thinking of organising your own Gay Pride event? Here are some tips on how to use the names of charities to make the most money for your friends in business and at the local city council...

GETTING STARTED

Begin by setting up a system where a group of charities collect money from the public (through ticket sales and collections). The arrangement is that they hand over 50% of the money to cover costs.

This lets you use the names of those charities to get the maximum amount of cash from the gay public, even though half of the money is being paid out to your business, council and showbiz friends.

Or course its all absolutely above board -- those people put in invoices for services rendered. But just keep as quiet as possible about where that 50% of the income has gone because it does sound rather a lot. And by the time the group of charities have taken off their own costs, maybe just 35% of the original income will be left to go to good causes. Gulp...

PRESS RELEASES & THE MEDIA

The days when the UK media hated gays are long gone. Now they won't publish anything critical at all. Anyway, newspapers and TV companies don't do any hard-hitting investigations any more. They don't have the time or money. So you have nothing to fear. Some local newspapers will publish almost anything you send them, without questioning the figures and information. It's all good...

EXPECT THE TOTALLY UNLIKELY

The one golden rule of running a Pride event is to expect the unexpected. Or, more accurately, expect various things that REALLY won't ever happen. No one can blame you for being excited and over-optimistic can they?

One or two may be annoyed to arrive and find just 35,000 people instead of the 250,000 you 'expected' would be coming. But, by then you will have had their ticket money and there will be no consequences, so why worry?

SPIN ATTENDANCE FIGURES

A week before your Pride event begins, issue a press release saying that you 'expect' it to be the 'best ever'. It's a year since you lied and told everyone that last year's event was 'expected' to have an attendance of 250,000 people.

Luckily, gay people have a short memory, bless 'em... So, in your press release, give the real attendance figure from last year for the first time: 35,000. People won't remember what you said last year and this makes your vastly over-inflated predicted attendance for this year (250,000 again) seem really impressive!

SPIN TICKET SALES

Mention that you 'expect' ticket sales to be up 50% on last year, making this the 'best ever' Pride. Year on year, make sure you are as secretive as possible about exactly how many tickets you sell. Try to ignore anyone who asks for this information. This will help you get away with fibs like this 50% increase.

SPIN THE TINY AMOUNT RAISED FOR GOOD CAUSES

Tell everyone that you 'expect' to make more money than ever for good causes. When it turns out that the figure raised is actually the lowest for several years, just keep very quiet about it and look ahead to next year's fab Pride -- which is now just eleven-and-a-half months away. No need to mention the final total on your website -- that event is SO in the past now...

Alternatively, add together the sum raised over several years. This makes the total sound more impressive and prevents people from noticing this year's not-a-record amount.

NEVER MENTION THE £20 MILLION THAT BUSINESSES MAKE

Wherever possible don't mention costs and never talk about the £20 million that Pride brings in for businesses in your city. Only business people understand these figures. If gay people see them, they may get confused and wonder why they have to pay £15 for an entry ticket. They might also ask why the amount raised for good causes is so small. All of which may interfere with the party atmosphere.

HOW TO HIDE THE COSTS

Publish leaflets and send out press releases that talk up the small amount that goes to good causes. Perhaps start off by showing a 'net proceeds' figure with a few small costs taken off. Most people won't know what 'net' means and, that way, you can hide the fact that you have actually handed over 50% of your gross income. All of which makes your costs seem a much smaller percentage of your income than they really are.

PREVENT PEOPLE FROM FIGURING OUT THE INCOME & COSTS

Wherever possible, add together a couple of sources of income. This prevents people from working out how many tickets you sold or where exactly things like collection bucket money fit into the total.

USE JARGON & DON'T BE CONSISTENT

Use phrases such as 'Community Futures'. The public won't know what the hell that means. Sometimes use the word 'raised' to mean money after costs have been taken off. Other times use the word to mean money before costs have been taken off. This helps confuse the public. Many of whom still think that all the money they pay goes to good causes (bless).

MEANINGLESS PERCENTAGES ARE YOUR FRIEND

Don't forget lots of percentages. If used correctly, these can be almost meaningless. For example, you can say you are giving 50% to some good cause or other. Without mentioning that it is actually 50% of what is left after all your big costs have been taken off.

FENCE THEM INTO THE GHETTO

Making your Pride an expensive ticket-only event is an easy way to generate lots of cash for all your business friends who provide various services. If you fence off the gay village, it means your buddies who run the expensive bars and clubs have a captive market for their hugely expensive food and drinks.

GAY PEOPLE JUST WANT TO PARTY

Remember, most gay people just want to party and don't care about where all the money goes. Most will have swallowed your misinformation and hype, hook line and sinker. But if one or two keep asking difficult questions, just ignore their emails and letters. If you occasionally answer one, make sure you focus on the small amount of money for good causes and ignore anything awkward.

Never forget that a lot of gay people are mugs. For instance, they will happily spend £10 on a ticket for something that was free the previous year. Then queue for two hours to swap that ticket for an entry pass. A few will grumble but, don't worry, most will be back next year. So maybe you could put up the cost of tickets by 50% as a thank you?

THE FUTURE

You can get along for several years using these techniques, until people involve their MP and the Charity Commission. But it will be a long, long time before any number of them get together and kick up a fuss. By which time you, as a 'charity professional' can have moved onto pastures new...

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